thewaitingroom's Datingish

I need to adjust to "couple" life

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 21:05:53 GMT

I grew up by myself - my workaholic mother was working during the hours I was home (non-school hours) and my father was in the military. I lived by myself in college, off-campus. I get an apartment and before I know it, I'm living with my fiance. Music preferences, DECOR style ::shakes head, rolls eyes::..... it all clashes! Most importantly, he has food allergies: nuts and cinnamon. Guess what my specialty is (cooking/baking): Desserts. Know what my favorite ingredients are for numerous recipes? Yeah...

I am NOT accustomed to calling someone regularly (when I'm away from home) to report my geographical status. My parents didn't ask such a task of me. Now I gotta tell my roommate/boyfriend/fiance/what-have-you that I'm going somewhere and coming home at such-and-such a time. There's more to plan like work and hobbies aren't enough to plan.

Ah, hobbies. I don't mind that he has interests that completely disinterest me. I don't mind that he doesn't understand my passions/interests. But he wants to learn to dance so we can dance together. That's fine to go out, but he's not the only one I'm going to dance with all the time, that's for sure. Even if "we" went out dancing socially, I'd dance with him as often as all the other men there. See... if this is something that he thinks we can do "together", it's not gonna ultimately work out that way.

He has a very large family, even when you omit the fact that his birth parents are divorced. If you include it, then multiply it. ::sigh:: I'm an only child and my entire extended family gets together.... maybe... every other year.

WE go out to dinner. I like to stay home and cook.
He's invited to some shindig by a friend, so automatically I'm invited (he/she/they often haven't met me and are anxious to remedy that), so automatically I'm expected to attend. Um, I don't want to go! For political reasons, I go. I usually have a terrible time because I don't like groups or crowds. Then I'm irritable all night because I wanted to stay home. If I DO stay home, I get "you were missed" all night or "here's another fine chance you passed by to meet someone who's been dying to meet you".

Biggest DAILY stressor: Sharing a bed room. No longer do I have my own space, but I don't have my own bed anymore. Heck, I used to have the whole house and now I have no space to myself. I mean, sure, I have "my desk" in a common/community room, but that's about as personal as it gets. When all I want to do is relax and rest, I have to accept and adapt to extra body heat, snoring, and just plain cuddling. I spent approximately a quarter century sleeping alone. It's surprisingly difficult to familiarize myself with body parts entangled with mine - and to ask this of me when I'm dying for SLEEP? It's so much work. I think myself a patient person, and I'm not the only one to claim so.... but I'm losing sleep and it's not too much to ask for a change due to health concerns.

I used to be an avid traveler, but now if I have any hopes of a vacation, I need to plan around his "free" dates and his destination preferences. I KNOW he's not gonna like me going off without him.

Movie nights, yay, who doesn't like movie nights. But I used to just... come home and pop in a DVD. Since my fiance and I have differing schedules, if I want to watch a DVD I ask myself "does he want to see this movie? Yes? Then wait for him to come home and watch it WITH him". God knows he doesn't like it when I rent a movie and watch it without him. I tell him to watch it whenever he wants, and he's like "but I wanted to watch it with you"...

I can't even get a dog without asking what he likes, and, of course, he doesn't prefer the dog I love. But here I get him back - I don't like the dog he prefers either. So we both win. We both lose? Hmm...

When did I sign up to be "the obedient one?"

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 20:08:22 GMT

Me:
Mid-twenty year-old independent female, self-assured, and outgoing, however not social
recently engaged to a man I've known for seven years
still hang out/enjoy friendship with ex-boyfriends

Situation:
boyfriend moved in and after a few months, we became engaged.
Loving, romantic man turned controlling

Points:
I can't go out at night without letting him know exactly where I'm headed/staying
Any night I'm not home (and he is), he calls and says he "needs" me. "need" is used EVERY time
He'll comment on the provocativeness of my clothing when I'm going to work or dance practice
Recently admitted to a concern that during Latin dancing, a couple is close and touchy.
As of last night, I've been told to cease personal contact with all former boyfriends and/or persons harvesting sexual tension towards me.
Any time I visit my parents, he's anxious for me to come home. If I, I don't know... take too long... he asks to come to me, but always complains about the "inconvenience" of the drive.
Apparently, I'm not "making an effort" to make friends with his friends. I don't have a lot of friends to begin with! I have two - one is an ex, and the other (a female) is very close to both of us. She and my fiance met last year, but they hit it off well. I'm not embarrassed to say that I think the two of them get along (playfullness and sense of humor) better than she and myself.

Somehow - and this is not his fault - I put a dream on hold (or possibly killed all chances) of going to school. I planned for months to attend, and just when I'm about to start up next month, I call the school and withdraw admission. Here's a play-by-play of my emotional roller coaster:
-- I mention that I really want to go to school, however I understand the great investment of cost and time required.
-- boyfriend (not formal fiance yet) mentions how my wants conflict with *our* goals
-- I find out I CAN go to school (factors worth worrying about worked out)
-- I state that I'm going and he has little say in it. He says OK, great. (he was glad I was so happy to be going and taking charge of my passions)
-- The school is out of state, so we looked for apartments in that area. We came to an agreement of complex, options, driving arrangements, even considered getting a pet!
-- We get engaged and pick out a date to make going to school hell (too soon)
-- He's looking at full-time salaried jobs near home and the surrounding area.
-- Next thing I know, we sign together to extend the lease on the home apartment
-- I'm lying awake at night mumbling, "What the heck happened to going to school? Why am I stuck here for another year?"

My spirit is dimming...

Timing is everything

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:53:46 GMT

How do you tell a friend that he's moving too fast?
She's single, but he's in the middle of filing a divorce.
He shouldn't rush into this. He's married.
Even after the divorce, he's just divorced.
When is the right time to start dating again?

In my lifetime, I've learned that Men Don't Want To Leave Their Wives.
In this particular case, his wife gave up the marriage and wants out. He's agreeing because for the last nine months, it's been an unhealthy relationship. How soon will it be before he can start a new relationship - and it be on good grounds, with a firm framework, and not so emotionally baggaged?

Flirting at Work

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 15:05:50 GMT

I'm going to be a certified mixologist (bartender) in less than a week. I'll be back in the working world! Horray! But, here is my concern:

I've been unemployed for nine months. I'll finally have some means of income. Bartending, though, is dependent on tips. Is it so wrong to flirt with customers to get better tips? I know individuals who have been bartending for anywhere between two and twenty-five years. They all say they don't think of it very much, because they live their lives (and raise their children) on the tips they get from opposite-sex customers. I'm far from the flirty type, but I'm a pretty good actress (while I do enjoy people in general, I'm not a flirty kind of gal) so I think I can pull this off pretty well. Is it wrong to send signals to someone when you have NO intention of going anywhere, just want them to feel good, all so you can get a good tip....

::sigh::

For Flawless_Serenity

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:21:57 GMT

Three days before my birthday, a friend, a music partner, and a guy who liked me more than I realized all got together and said I was a whore. The friend, a former boyfriend, said I gave him herpes and claimed my illness from the few weeks before was a cover-up for an abortion. The music partner said I was dating him and slept with him. The other guy said I was dating him, slept with him, was pregnant, and cheated on him with the music guy.

See, this is all a circle: My music partner said I was dating him. The third guy claimed I was dating him. Both said I slept with them, so from here it looks like I cheated on both of them, with the other. The former boyfriend said that my "illness" (and I was sick - I bursted multiple hemorrhoids) was shady and it was a cover-up for an abortion. If you know anything about hemorrhoids, your lower abdomen hurts like hell, you vomit, and you bleed internally. Of course the third guy says 'oh! she has morning sickness' and the former boyfriend says 'oh! she WAS pregnant so she had an abortion!'.

Talk about a mess. Of course nothing in it is true. These guys talked to everyone I know and everyone they know to warn others about my "game". Bastards. I'll tell you this: People that love you don't try to jeopardize your character. Oh, may I add that after all this crap happened, they all asked me to put this behind me and still be friends. WTF?! The former boyfriend and the third guy both said they still loved me. The third guy said he still wanted to date me. We weren't even dating! This was all so confusing.

Do I forgive them for what they did? No. But I don't let it manipulate my life. If someone wants to believe such shite about me, well then they aren't worth being my friend. I didn't want people to "be on my side" to keep them as friends. I wanted them to trust me. If you think so lowly of me to believe the rumors that were spread, then go ahead, but you lost a great friend.

I don't care what people think of me. I want the people that DO know me to undertsand that all those bits about me couldn't be true, because it's not my nature. I would not love myself if I ever cheated on my boyfriend (who was not mentioned).

The Symbiotic Relationship

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 04:32:59 GMT

I'm all-for the idea of symbiotic relationships. It's like, relationship utopia in my opinion. But really.... how can two people help each other. I've heard of, and also witnessed, one helping the other and then the other helping the first, but how does this occur simultaneously? Is this only in reference to emotional satisfaction/fulfillment? Or what?

I don't singularly mean intimate relationships here. This can be any relationship, except with yourself.

[I purposefully kept this incomplete for the point of NOT being thorough in case anyone wants to comment (politely) about what an idiot I am lol]

You can tell I'm an only child.

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 04:05:45 GMT

My last ten years in a nutshell:
I attract the emotionally unstable. Is it because I'm so strong? I can't stand to carry other people. I want to spend my life, and share it with someone - not validate my existence by being in a relationship. I don't want to fill in someone else's missing void. I want to catch the overflow.
I have mostly male friends (because I get along with them better). Sure, they're immature compared to women, but they don't complain about their weight, broken nails, fading hair dye, or "how that guy TOTALLY just checked" them out.
Seems like every guy that comes near me wants to spend every freakin' hour of the day with me. I'm not mysterious! I am outspoken. I am not unpredictable! I've never done things spur-of-the-moment. I am not wild. I love reading and watching movies. What the heck is there that is so magnetizing to male humans?

Some don't understand this: my dream is to be a housewife. I want to stay in the house and cook for my family. I want to assist my children with their homework. I want to play with the pets and take hour-long walks. This does not mean I wish to be a slave and cater to everyone's wants. I will do for you what I can while giving love and attention that I have in excess of what I give myself, but I am not DYING to wash your clothes and dishes for you. I want to help and support, not do things for you. Even though I love to cook, don't tell me, "I want roasted garlic chicken with mashed potatoes for dinner... and I want it at 5:30." If you have a request, notify me in advance, and I would appreciate some care for my work: "Are you making dinner tonight? Do we have appropriate foods for (such and such)?" Offer money and/ or a ride to the grocer/market if we don't. I just get irritated by demands or someone expecting something from me. I don't have to do this for you. I want to, but if I'm not appreciated, then why is it worth my time?
I understand it's really hard to have a single-income family. That's why I'm prepared to work. At the moment, I am free and able to be self-employed. It's working out so far (since Oct 2007). Now, if I marry, I might need to work. OK, no problem. I'll work. I put passion into anything I can do well. I'm not a workaholic, but I'm borderline perfectionist. I only want to be happy and healthy, so if I have those two factors going for me, I'm gonna spend that little extra time doing work-related endeavors. If I don't have kids yet, I'm probably going to be at work a lot. Chances are, my husband and I will not have the exact same working hours, so don't act like I'm neglecting you when you KNOW I am at work and can't be with you until I am off work and coming back home. I know you miss me, but show it when I'm back home - don't whine while I'm at work getting paid to help the family and not spending that precise hour with you at home when I simply can't.

Ok, ladies, all those ads of stick women with dark tans and perfect skin and manicures and triple highlights..... you might think guys want all that (and some do) but I don't have a problem with guys wanting me and I'm not skinny (but I'm thin-ish because I'm athletic), I'm pale as hell (Irish-German-Danish), I have my natural frail nails that are broken all the time, and my natural dry brown hair that's always frizzy. And screw all these perfumes, eau de parfumes, colognes, body sprays, and pheromone crap that's available. I don't use that stuff either. And look at me... As long as I'm socially acceptable to go out, I'll go out. I bathe, I get dressed, throw my hair in a bunched up mess behind my head (sometimes known as a messy ponytail) and I do whatever my errands are for the day. I get hoards of compliments all the time because I'm happy to be awake, walking, and able to enjoy any little "life's pleasures" that sneaks up on me. I smile, and people seem to take to me well. That's it.

Hmm, I'm tired ::laughs::

Response...

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 13:15:00 GMT

Thanks for the comment, the_bonsai_tree! I appreciate it, really. My response seems too long to be a "comment", so I posted it as a new blog due to it's detail and touch on new subject material.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not to brag, but I'm well educated in social graces. I'm a subject of private schooling, former employee of high-quality establishments, et al. I'm accustomed (and comfortable) with upper class citizens - especially seniors. I smile often, make people welcome, and am always polite and respectful.

Cue my problem: Conversing with my age group. I'm twenty-two years old and have been told since I was twelve that I can act like I'm 40. This does not peeve me, but I know that I come off either snobby or just plain boring to those of my own age. I don't share the same values as kids (fellow 20-year-olds) do.

I guess when guys are interested in me, just giving them the time of day sends the wrong message. If I smile and am "nice", they take it as a hint that I like them. I'm only exercising my trained "polite" behavior when I talk to them.

I've been told that I'm a big flirt. I disagree - I look people in the eye when they talk to me to show that I'm paying attention. I laugh when someone says something I find amusing. If a sensitive secret is told to me and I share the same feeling, I might touch their shoulder with an "oh my gosh, me TOO!" kind of feeling. All these can be taken the wrong way. What am I supposed to do? Stop looking at them, withhold laughing, and avoid all physical contact at all times? What the heck?

So here goes:

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 03:30:22 GMT

I think I joined to vent. I don't feel I have any "problems" or severe "complications". I don't even feel too confused. As a psychology major, however, I do feel it's comfortable to communicate - even when you're happy and comfortable.
The thing is, I know I lie to myself -- not in a terribly unhealthy way, but in the sense that I feel that I can't trust myself. ex/
I don't notice that I come off a certain way to people. Confidence/comfort with yourself can be intimidating and sometimes can make people a little nervous. I mean what I say, but my voice and body language says something that the receiver can infer differently. I know what I meant, I said what I meant, but what other-than-my-words said sat on a whole 'nother plane.
Warning: I'm detailed and I have a tendency to explain things longer than needed. I am not insulting your intelligence, but I keep in mind that people did not grow up the way I did, they are not as culturally aware as I am, and they probably are not as patient. But, hey, that’s just me and I won’t have it any other way.
Welcome! Comment or say, "hello". I like answering questions more than asking them.